I woke up with your name on my lips

Today I woke up with your name on my lips and your image came to me in my dreams, when everything around me was sleeping.  Your ghost visited me, alive, nostalgic, full of words left unsaid.  So much assumption, so much unsaid, undigested, un-chewed.  I let you assume and I also let myself assume, time trapped in the void of our story.  Tears stuck just behind my eyelids.

For example.  Assumed that because things look a certain way now, they will always look like that or worse.  Assumed for example, that ceremony will not fit in my life as a shared project.  Assumed, for example, that a love for my way of life and my family could not grow, a joy for their laughter and noise.  Assumed that a child is a heavy load always and steals away the peace and calm.  Assume…. That things and interests and expansion could not flourish and grow from a love for the person who already loves those things.  Assume that by letting go, opening, and taking the leap, that things could not happen on their own, for and from love.  

And today I realized that to contain- love, words, truth- yours and mine- only leads to contraction and never expansion.  That that containment is infertile earth and that nothing grows there, nothing authentic and real and worth living for.  That containment of honest expression eventually kills desire and wilts love.  That containment makes one die a little inside.  Energy without a destination to rest in.  Love without a home.  Words without a pen or paper.  A song that no one is singing.

Today I am saddened, not by what was, but by what could not be, what maybe could have been had we not protected ourselves from pain, from falling again where we had already fallen before and had been hurt, from ending up broken again.

Yes, we are preceded by our old stories.  Yes, they were teachers.  And no, they are not oracles of the future.

Today I woke up with your image in my dreams and your name on my lips, and a goddam knot in my throat for all that was assumed and was never spoken.  And the need to say it brought me here, to this page, to give these words the place they deserve.  To make sense to what did not make sense.  So many things left unsaid.  So many things assumed as truth, decisions made not based on what was in front of us at the moment but on what had been and what could be.  What a shame my love.  What a sadness.  What a grief.  What a shame.  

I miss the things we did not have time or courage for.  The words unsaid.  The knots left tangled.  Together.  For love.  In love.  To seek to really understand.  To have a full plate of truth and openness that could have led to real, honest, decisions born of truth.  No assumptions.  No fear.  Only love.  Only truth.  Only a wide open heart risking pain in the name of love.  Knowing grief was just as possible as big, expansive, wide open, heartbreaking LOVE.

May I never assume again.  May I never let my words get blown by the wind, swallowed by the heaviness in my heart, disappeared within the depths of my soul.  May I speak and seek to really understand.  And may I always, expect the same from the other.  So that every experience of love can be made whole by the full, raw, real, dissected, truth.  By the willingness and desire to understand, not only the other, but our own beating hearts.

That is the real love story.

That is the real poem.

That is the only one I want.

Raw.

Real.

Non assumptive.

Willing.

Curious.

Open.

Love…

Safety and commitment the fertile ground for truth and curiosity.

Thank you for the dreams.  Thank you for the messages.  Thank you God, for the desire and the longing and the grief and the LONGING, the ever present longing, to encounter what is true for me.  With a wide open heart, with a wide expansive love.  With the consciousness of the depth of my womb and the beating in my chest and the blood running in my veins and the breath in my lungs. Love.  In its full, authentic, willing and curious expression.

Thank you for showing me love.  Thank you for showing me desire.  Thank you for widening me, pulling me taut so I may become softer and more malleable.  So I may become more ready for when the time comes.