Please excuse this voice

Please excuse the voice you hear here. The words you read are the voices of my heartbreak.  They are the sentences of my pain, the complaints of my too-sensitive nature.  They are called forth from my tears, and the tight knot inside my chest that won’t soften, no matter how much I acknowledge it, see it, sit with it.  

These voices are my sorrow, my longing my desire for that which is not, or never was, or no longer is, or maybe never will be. It is the voice of my dissatisfaction, my sadness, my tight fist waving up at the heavens.  

It is the voice of my hopelessness and helplessness, the voice of my tired bones and heavy heart.  The voice of defeat.  

It is sometimes tinged with beauty, even love, even a bit of hope, but this voice is so much stronger and it demands that SOMETHING CHANGE! Yet I know deep inside I cannot demand anything to be what I want it.  I cannot even beg or pray.  I can only sit here, in patience, in stillness, until it subsides, gets tired of its tantrums, loosens its grip on me.

I hope that one day you will get to hear the voice of my joy.  Of my beauty, of my wholeness.  I hope one day you get a glimpse of my marvel and awe and wonder.  I hope one day my words will read of gratitude and disbelief at the pure ecstasy of it all.

Until then my friends, please excuse my pain, my sorrow, my heartbreak.  Please excuse it for having so much to say.  It has been my guest for way too long and doesn’t know the exit door yet.  It longs to stay, make itself a home, stay forever maybe, in a love story lasting a life time.  Yet I do not love it.  It is not welcome here, but it has made itself comfortable.  Maybe if I love it it will leave me, like they all do.  Maybe I will try to love it into abandoning me…